A few hours after the debut edition of this column hit social media platforms, I received a distress call from a reader. The gentleman bitterly complained about his wife’s adulterous affairs with his close friend; her pastor, and another man. He said, although he had forgiven her because she claimed to have repented, he still hurts whenever he remembered the betrayal. This brother requested counsel. So, we spoke extensively, and I’m happy to say he felt relieved after my earnest counseling.
I understand the weight of the problem he was going through because I have experienced similar betrayal in past relationships before I got married. I know how difficult it is for emotional wounds to heal quickly. However, my conversation with this brother inspired this piece on **Why Couples Cheat**.
It wasn’t difficult for me to identify the causes of sexual infidelity because I, too, have been a victim. As the saying goes, “He who feels it knows it.” Unlike my caller, I didn’t forgive the ladies involved at the time; I ended the relationships without mercy. But today, with the benefit of hindsight and the wisdom that comes with age, I would have forgiven them if they had truly repented.
Now, back to the question: What causes infidelity in marriage or relationships like courtship? Everyone has their perspective, but from the many reasons I’ve gathered, infidelity is a multi-faceted issue. Below are some of the key causes:
1. Indiscipline: This is a critical factor. When someone lacks discipline, they can easily fall into temptation, especially when exposed to sexual stimuli. Resisting sexual advances is only possible if a person has been nurtured to understand that such acts are immoral, shameful, and foolish.
2. Emotional Neglect: Neglecting your partner, especially emotionally, can lead them to adultery. Partners may withdraw during or after a quarrel, but prolonged emotional distance sets the stage for infidelity. Reconciliation should happen sooner rather than later to avoid pushing them into someone else’s arms.
3. Greed: Some people are never satisfied with what they have and are constantly seeking for more. They don’t realize that the grass often looks greener on the other side. Greedy individuals are more susceptible to temptation, needing only a small bait to lead them astray.
4. Financial Challenges: This may be the biggest cause of infidelity today. Financial difficulties can make people, particularly women, vulnerable to sexual advances. Some African men even marry older, wealthier women from other continents for the financial security and the chance to move to advanced countries. While cash flow problems are a reality, they should never justify cheating on a partner.
5. Loneliness: People may stray when they can’t cope with loneliness. Prolonged separation, particularly in long-distance marriages, can lead to infidelity, especially when one partner is emotionally or sexually deprived. Regular visits and maintaining intimacy can help prevent this.
6. Lack of Satisfaction: Many couples won’t admit it, but sexual dissatisfaction is a major cause of infidelity. Age-related sexual dysfunction in men or a lack of sexual responsiveness from a partner can drive someone to seek satisfaction elsewhere. This is the root of the “sugar daddy” or “sugar mummy” phenomenon.
7. Bad Company: Being in the wrong social circles can imperil a marriage. As the saying goes, “Bad company corrupts good character.” If you or your partner associates with people who condone or practice infidelity, it’s more likely to affect your relationship.
8. Idleness: An idle person is more prone to temptation. When people have nothing productive to do, they are more likely to engage in mischief, including adultery. Staying busy with constructive activities can help mitigate this risk.
9. Adventure: The desire for adventure can also lead people to cheat. A person who constantly seeks new experiences, including sexual ones, may be more likely to stray. This is why it’s best to avoid pornographic material, as it can stimulate sexual desire in unhealthy ways.
10. Nymphomania: Some women (and men) have an insatiable sexual appetite, making it difficult for them to remain faithful. If a partner exhibits signs of excessive sexual desire during courtship, this may be a red flag for future infidelity.
11. Barrenness: In some cases, when a couple struggles with infertility, one partner may secretly seek another to conceive. This can happen when one partner believes the other is responsible for their inability to have children, either medically or spiritually.
12. Abusive Relationships: Some individuals, particularly women, stay in abusive relationships for various reasons but seek solace in someone else’s arms. In rare cases, the man may be the victim of an abusive relationship if his wife is quarrelsome, callous, or impossible to manage.
Understanding these reasons can help you better handle issues related to infidelity that you might encounter in your relationship.
*Ladi Ayodeji is a, Counsellor, Speaker, Author and Pastor. He can be reached via 09059243004, WhatsApp only.
